i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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