Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
