WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
