I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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