you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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