If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
accomplished twins. life is a go
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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