I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
