i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
