You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
