mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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