How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
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