woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
