I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
as a side note pls kill me
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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