I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Nicole vs. Life
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
