Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
