happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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