my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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