I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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