Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
