My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
