Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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