mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
