apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
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