We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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