I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
