Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
