I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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