Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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