youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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