I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
