I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
