haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
