the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
