he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
