So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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