The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
