You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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