someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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