sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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