Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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