Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
