Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
