yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
