She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
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