I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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