Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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