Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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