All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
