You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
