I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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