bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
