put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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